I think that when we try to lean on other people to prop
ourselves up, we wobble. Or perhaps
even fall on our face. When I decided
to take the plunge and try to organize a sangha, which by definition involves
other people, I was high on ashtanga and had all the best intentions. But somewhere in the process, things became
corrupt. Maybe it was in the printing
and posting of the flyers. Perhaps it
came with the internet announcements. However it happened, somehow I became personally attached to the event,
despite my enlisting of someone else to lead it, and despite other efforts to
avoid exactly what happened. What
happened was that not only did the thing fall apart, but so did I.
When Guruji allegedly made his statement to only one student that there would be the first “conference” in months today, around the same time as the sangha, I was disappointed, but I did not worry. In our sangha back in North Carolina, someone dear to me was concerned that we might not have “critical mass.” My response was that if only one person showed up, that would be “critical mass.” Although I was admired for saying this, we never had to test the truth of the statement. We always had at least 4 or 5 people, and usually 6 or 7. In the case of the ashtanga sangha, I was not worried, because I figured that at least my friends who were not practicing at the shala would show up. I also knew that we could change the starting time for future sanghas to avoid schedule conflicts next time. I was fully aware that the shala people would all bail immediately once they heard there was a “conference.” This is an event in which Guruji sits in a chair and responds to mostly inane questions, the answer to which is often “mula bandha.” Hey, come on, shala people historically have all gathered at Guruji’s feet just to watch him silently read a newspaper.
Well, it turned out that the non-shala people bailed as well, including some “fashion buddhists” and “buddhist tourists” who love their tibetan wallhangings and buddha figurines, but apparently will not darken the door of a house where they might actually practice buddhism.
It also turned out that the alleged “conference” that caused the shala people, including my housemates, to quickly abandon the sangha, never happened. It was just one of those shala rumors. The shala filled up with nearly 200 people sitting and waiting, causing Guruji to say to someone in his office, “Why all these people here?” When he was told that it was for a conference, he was surprised. He took the stage to say a few words, but would not answer questions. I was not there. I heard this from someone who was.
In short, for no good reason, the sangha fell apart before it ever actually existed. On our kitchen counter we have a delicious uneaten vegetarian meal that Rajesh cooked for 10 or so no-shows. But the more interesting question, I think, is why did I fall apart with it? Like I said, I thought my intentions were good from the start. I missed my sangha in North Carolina, and I thought it would be nice to have a gathering of ashtangis and others where we did not sit at different tables or in different neighborhoods, where we could meditate together, and where we could unburden our crazy minds in a space more conducive of respect than a café, a party, or a coconut stand. But somehow I started to identify with the success or failure of the event. Since it failed, I failed.
I know the above makes no sense, but the fact remains that these are the feelings I have. I guess that being aware of them, and their falsity, is an important step toward becoming free of them.
In the meantime, if anyone else wants to organize a sangha, please go ahead. I would be happy to attend!
I think that you have every right to be well pissed off. You went to a lot of trouble organising something that sounds like a lot of fun and on the strength of a rumour, everyone picked something else to do. It doesn't put them in a very good light, to tell the truth. If it's any consolation, I would have loved to come! If only I weren't in grey London instead...
Posted by: Maurey | January 16, 2005 at 07:34 PM
I felt bad for you when I read that no-one had showed. As Maurey said, I would love to have come... but I'm in Sydney, Australia. I hope someone does organise a sangha for you, whether you end up doing it or someone else does. I'm not a yoga practioner but I am a Buddhist, and I think there is great value in having a group of 'spiritual friends' to practice with. Take care, and keep your spirits up.
Posted by: The Other Andrew | January 17, 2005 at 12:31 AM
Hi Russel, I love your blog! Of course it is not a failure, you know it better than anybody else I think. This is maybe the first and best lesson from your sangha! Now you can truly practice buddhism!!(giggles!) It is a trick of the mind. Do not chase the monkey(mind). Remaining Quiet is the true satsang.
Why loose your time with this people? Maybe they are there because of the "ashtanga scene" only, and are maybe not true seekers as you are. Always travel with those on the same boat going in the same direction.
I wish you could post everyday, you have your web sangha here mate!
Big Hug
Namaste
Posted by: Andrea | January 17, 2005 at 12:55 AM
Hey Russell,
Sorry to hear your sangha did not work out on the first try. Of couse, one person is enough for meditation, but a few more can give added depth, as you know. I've taken Thich Nhat Hanh's mindfulness trainings, just arrived in Mysore today and registered at the shala, rented a house. I've taken down your number and will try to contact as I get settled in. My concern here in Mysore isn't about meditation---though I'll be ready to join you whenever... Since I'm an organic farmer that lives in a rural mountain area in the
States, just being faced with urban life for a whole month looks a bit daunting. I've just come from rural Rajasthan working with organic farmers there...Hope the yoga classes make it all worth it....Cheers, Mark
Posted by: mark | January 17, 2005 at 02:42 PM
russell--i fondly remember your words on my deck last summer--or was it in the tree house--yes-you are the critical mass!!- breathing every day in thay's tradition for however many minutes a day with oneself or others= a sangha--im preaching...
my sister is about to leave for vnam with tn hanh...sangha continues to be good...bbs did finnegans wake presentation--truly fun!
any plans for dharmsala--my own dream someday...
stay calm and happy--we miss you
steve
Posted by: steve | January 18, 2005 at 02:32 AM
I'm confused, are you doing yoga or studying Buddhism?
Posted by: toobeaut | January 18, 2005 at 06:10 AM
Hey, Russell – Sorry to hear about the sitting not happening. I can understand your frustration.
I’m in a similar situation. I came up with the idea recently for an event to raise some money for UNICEF tsunami relief. Got nothing but green lights from all necessary parties, but with one last exception - the person who was the absolute key to the whole thing....can't get a hold of them. I lost her contact number, she hasn’t responded to email, so now I’m in a holding pattern. And while in that holding pattern similar questions to the ones you were asking yourself have arisen. Do I want to do this for myself or for others? Hmmmm. Makes one question our own intentions when something we set out to do with a full heart falls flat. What is there to learn in that? I’ve no idea, but I’m sure whatever it is reveals itself as it needs to. .
Interesting that someone posted a comment about is this yoga or Buddhism. Wasn't the Buddha considered an incarnation of Vishnu? I actually find Vipassana meditation helps my ashtanga practice.
Peace.
- J
Posted by: J | January 18, 2005 at 10:02 PM
Russell...I wish I had been there to come to your wonderful sangha. Just one other person would have been perfect..think of all the leftovers!!I am impressed with your musings. The clear answer seems to come first to you..then a tsunami washes it away leaving you feeling badly. Luke, of course, knows I can get carried away so I'll stop here. I hope to meet you someday. Trish
Posted by: Luke's Mom | January 21, 2005 at 07:29 PM
>>and responds to mostly inane questions, the answer to which is often “mula bandha.”<<
hilarious, sweetie. one of my instructors here in NY hands out a sheet of 'guruji's favorite aphorisms,' the last of which is written in her own hesitant hand, "mulabandha <=> cittabandha." I put it on my fridge just to have a laugh every morning.
I love your honesty.
Posted by: | May 20, 2005 at 03:38 AM
>>and responds to mostly inane questions, the answer to which is often “mula bandha.”<<
hilarious, sweetie. one of my instructors here in NY hands out a sheet of 'guruji's favorite aphorisms,' the last of which is written in her own hesitant hand, "mulabandha <=> cittabandha." I put it on my fridge just to have a laugh every morning.
I love your honesty.
Posted by: gary | May 20, 2005 at 03:38 AM