I’ve hardly blogged at all in the
last two or three weeks. It does not mean that nothing has been going on with me. If it
means anything, it is that I have been all over the mental map, exploring for
peace but finding mostly discontent, turmoil and fear. In fact, a lot of
“things” have happened in my little life here.
I had the best ashtanga practice I have ever had, the day after I decided to give up striving for “advancement.” I met with Guruji and Sharath separately and asked each of them whether they would ever stop working on me, even if I never progressed, and even if I started going backwards again, instead of forwards. Both of them laughed. Both disputed the premise of my question. Both said they would never stop working on me.
I just needed to ask the question, and to hear that answer. The next day, after I let go of worrying about the topic, and after I gave up any idea of striving to move forward, I somehow bound on both sides in both Marichyasana B and C, such that Sharath moved me to D. I am told that this kind of breakthrough happens in the pretty much the same way to every ashtangi eventually.
But after the elation of that day, of course I started drinking again that night. I stopped drinking, and drank some more. I cut classes, and resumed classes. I had weak classes and strong ones. I overate and fasted. I had days of lethargy, and days when I did 20 Surya Namaskar B’s (about the equivalent of running 10 miles) along with a full practice, once even on our day off. I lost a lot of weight, and gained a lot of weight. I ate right, and ate wrong. I had bouts of asceticism, and one day had so much breakfast at the Metropole that I felt compelled to check myself into a nearby hotel room, because I could not be bothered with walking to the parking lot and getting on my motorcycle. I stayed away from people, and reveled in them. I had my annual Mysore driving accident, again slipping in sand, and this time going to the hospital for stitches on my bloody head, which has since healed. I vowed never to drive again without a helmet, but failed to buy one, and later did. I avoided parties, and hosted two of them in hotel suites. I went on a boring trip to Bindapur national park, looking for some of the hundreds of wild tigers and elephants, but finding only a few monkeys and deer. I illegally walked out into the wild by myself while we waited hours for our bus tour guide. I was half-hoping for the excitement of being mauled by a tiger or run over by an elephant herd, but I came back to my bored friends at the base with nothing new but a sunburn. I did very well in work, getting hired by another major motion picture studio, as well as a huge celebrity of whom I had never heard (one of the stars of “Friends”). I was hired in part because people thought it was cool that I was managing and working at a media and entertainment law firm while sitting in lotus position and otherwise studying yoga in India. While they thought I was doing that, I was laying on pillows around the house watching countless rented Hollywood movies on the dvd player, and renewing my strong personal relationship with the “U.S. Pizza” delivery place. On other days, I wandered through temples at dawn, falling on my knees to pray to any old deity I could find. I also fell in and out of love and/or lust with human beings. I vowed to concentrate on my practice again and stop getting entangled with locals. I then promptly took one of them to Bangalore for a romantic weekend, which also included (fellow ashtangi) Sting’s first concert in India, some reckless shopping, and endless drinking. Interspersed, or even sometimes included, with many of the above events, were hours or days of crushing boredom, many of them spent laying on the floor, whining to whomever would listen.
My usual reaction is to be sickened by most of this, and to make renewed vows to do better. That never works. It is just a set-up for failure, another round of recrimination, further and stronger vows, and more suffering. Like most everyone, I want to be happy and at peace. I don’t know the answer, but something tells me that constant striving is not it. I am coming back again and again to the notion that if I simply make some effort to do my ashtanga and meditation practice regularly and without judgment about their quality (or about missing them sometimes), everything else eventually will fall into place the way it should. I have nothing on which to base these notions except intuition, faith, hope, assurances of others, and the fact that I seem to have tried everything else.
One thing that I hope will fall eventually into place is acceptance. I just finished “Siddhartha” by Hermann Hesse, a wonderful novel that I borrowed from Tina's library, and that everyone else in the world already has read. I previously assumed it was just a recounting of the classic story of the Buddha’s life and enlightenment in India. It is not. For you Martians who might not have read it, I won’t give away the plot, but it involves a spiritual seeker who tries many paths and frequently thinks he is losing his way. One of his more dubious paths involves drunkenness, lust, gluttony, and materialism. The book is by no means an authentic text of Buddhist thought or philosophy, nor does it pretend to be. But here is one of the lessons from the book, spoken at the end by Siddhartha to Govinda – a lesson that I need to consider:
“The world is not imperfect, or
slowly evolving along a long path to perfection. No, it is perfect at every moment;
every sin already carries grace within it, all small children are potential old
men, all sucklings have death within them, all dying people – eternal life. It
is not possible for one person to see how far another is on the way; the Buddha
exists in the robber and dice player; the robber exists in the Brahmin. During
deep meditation it is possible to dispel time, to see simultaneously all the
past, present, and future, and then everything is good, everything is perfect,
everything is Brahman. Therefore it seems to me that everything that exists is
good – death as well as life, sin as well as holiness, wisdom as well as folly.
Everything is necessary, everything needs only my agreement, my assent, my
loving understanding; then all is well with me and nothing can harm me. I
learned through my body and soul that it was necessary for me to sin, that I
needed lust, that I had to strive for property and experience nausea and the
depths of despair in order to learn not to resist them, in order to learn to
love the world, and no longer compare it with some kind of desired imaginary
world, some imaginary vision of perfection, but to leave it as it is, to love
it, and to be glad to belong to it.”
Dear Russell:
I can feel your pain in the path to peace and happiness. I shared similar pains last year, a depression and sorrow so deep that it shrouds me in its dark wings, never taking flight. Anti-depressant didn't help at all. May I suggest that you try to single-mindedly fall in love with the true God, in the sense of love and truth, and seek this ideal consciously? Somehow, this got me through the darkest days, and make me better able to see the connection between me and the world. Gandhi's life also helped tremendously.
Hope you get well. Padma
Posted by: padma | February 09, 2005 at 08:00 PM
Happened upon your blog and was happy to see photos of places (and a few faces) I haven't seen since leaving India last February 2004. Thanks for taking the time to put it online. Curious to read about a lawyer in Mysore. I'm presently wrestling with the decision to pursue law school and have been afraid it would mean no more time in India. Maybe there are greater possibilities then what I imagine.
Sounds like you are going through a rough spot. Sorry to hear it. Yours in the practice.
Posted by: Jamie | February 09, 2005 at 10:52 PM
What a beautiful quote from that Hermann Hesse book! I read a book by him back in college, and it was one of those few college books that I actually thought were great... I'll try to get my hands on a copy!
We all have our own obstacles to happiness. What matters is that we are doing *something* to try to overcome them. Don't give up!
Posted by: Julie Desjardins | February 10, 2005 at 02:53 AM
Hey Russell...I don't have anything profound to say but "Blog War" aside, I'm always in your side. I wish you only the best and hope you get through this. Don't worry about anything...don't beat yourself up...just enjoy life...
See you later this year...
Posted by: Joey | February 10, 2005 at 05:14 AM
Hi, Russell,
I only know you through your blog, but it is so personal and profound, funny and detailed, that I feel I have gotten to know you personally. I felt that something was up when you did not write meaningfully for a while. I have absolutely no words of wisdom or advice for you. But I do want you to know that your blog has really touched me, and I suspect others. You are affecting other people, strangers, even, in beautiful ways. If happiness can be found in service, which I know from very minor personal experience that it can, then perhaps there is a path there--you are doing service just through this blog. I know that I am rooting for you as I know many others are. Relax and be kind to yourself. That is the lesson that I am having to learn right now. Esp. those of us who are drawn to the law, we are so driven, we push and push ourselves, and we get fantastic results, but we don't always nurture ourselves, and we are not always kind to ourselves. I, too, beat myself up with food and alcohol and other excesses--now, as I recover from yoga-inflicted injuries, I've had to learn to take it easy, take warm baths and speak lovingly to myself. I was shocked when I realized how mean I was being to myself when I first discovered my injuries, I criticized and beat myself up, which led to other forms of self punishment. Rambling here. But, I just want you to know, that from half way around the world, and from a total stranger but fellow ashtangi lawyer, I send you heart-felt love and kind thoughts. Russell, be nice to Russell!
Posted by: Natasha | February 11, 2005 at 06:32 AM
HI Russel,
I totally agree with you on the fact that we should not have any expectations in our practice. This happened to me when I was trying very hard but stalled progress for 6 months. As soon as I let go and turn the attention to the breath, the quality of the practice improves immensely.
I can see you are struggling with things. We all are, some more serious than others. Fear is the cause of the struggle. Struggle means not letting go. If we let go of fear, then we can let go our struggle.
Lao Tszu said that a sage manages affairs without actions. From what I understand, only through non-action can action be achieved and non-expectation that a goal can be reached.
Hope this is not too philosophical, I don't mean to.
good luck
Posted by: Eugene | March 01, 2005 at 03:07 AM
It's good that you are writing all of this out. Don't stop. I think it will help you in your recovery. Keep up your practice. If you take care of yoga, yoga will take care of you. If you liked Hesse's book, you should pick up the Baghavad Gita. There are lots of good translations into English. It will give you strength.
peace
Posted by: Lionel | March 11, 2005 at 11:19 PM