Thanks to Coldplay for those brilliant
lyrics, which I can’t get out of my head. Having a beautiful sober time in the South Indian part of our beautiful
world, yeah I am. Practice was so good
today that I wished it could go on all morning. The wind has picked up, and the Mysore skies are big, bright and
clean. The sun is strong, and people
seem happier to me, maybe because I am. Maybe you're saying to yourself, this blog is a lot more interesting when it's about drunken escapades. Too bad!
Yesterday during the long sunset, I
left my motorcyle at home and walked for miles. I stopped on the way at Tina’s to meet friends for dinner, which
was good. The vegetable soup was
better than I have ever tasted, and there was a spicy potato salad (with
tamarind, garlic, onions, and lemon juice) that made me go inside to get the
recipe. Then I walked a mile or so to
the Ramakrishna Ashram. A couple of local boys stopped their motorcyles along the
way, to ask me if I wanted “a drop,” which I think is Kannada for “a
lift.” It was great to see the lit-up portrait
of Ramakrishna in his temple shrine again, surrounded by flowers and incense, and better yet, to feel his presence. A new monk was leading the bhajan
(devotional chanting), so I was able to learn some new words that the previous
monk might have slurred. The new monk
also picked up the pace, so the singing, harmonium, tablas, and cymbals were
all cascading along nicely.
After the
bhajan, I took another long walk to return a DVD (Bertolluci’s The Dreamers)
across town. The Friday night streets
were full of life. It seemed like all
of Mysore was in them. On Temple Road,
I passed by a stream of gorgeous displays of fresh vegetables of
countless colors, all in overflowing wooden crates, or on blankets on the ground, and/or on wooden tables
supported by bicycle wheels. All of the
vegetable stands (or sits) were mobbed, and everybody was happy, especially the farmers. The college students on Kalidasa Road were
out roaming and laughing in friendly packs, after a week of exams. Even the Tech Video store, which is normally a
quiet place to chat forever with Ranjan the opinionated clerk, was crowded with
people busily planning their evening at the movies. I took a long way home, through dozens of palm tree covered
neighborhoods where I’ve never been. I
could see and hear families in their houses, all animated around dinner tables
or tv sets. Other people were out for their
nightly walks. The night sky was cloudless and smogless, the new moon was out,
and the breezes cooled my face and kept me from getting tired.
I like to drive motorcycles and scooters, but
you notice so much more when you are walking. I also like a nice big drink, but the world is so much more beautiful to me when
I am not wallowing in an alcoholic fog. Yeah it
is!
Ironically, after I quit drinking
yesterday (for the 100th time, I know), and after I blogged about it, an
anonymous commentator chose that moment to post a less than friendly critique
of me. He (or she, but I am strongly sensing
“male”) said that I am a self-indulgent attention seeker, that I have no real desire
for sobriety, and that I am an embarrassment to people in recovery. After all the supportive comments and
emails, and after pulling myself back to the mat, this comment sent a chill shuddering through my
bones. My first thought was, “what if
he’s right?” Then I got angry. Then I deleted the comment. But today I reflected a lot on it. I would like to say, thank you, Mr.
Anonymous, for caring enough to take the time to not only read my story, but to
tell me your honest opinion. Out of
respect for you, I am re-posting what you said, which is this:
“yeh hitting the mat will really get you sober...you are now as you were
last trip, a train wreck in progress, with no real desire for change,
growth, or liberation...just self indulgence, self pity, and probably the
biggest attention suck ever to hit mysore...jesus you give recovery a bad
name.”
Maybe you are right. I am certainly an attention seeker. How could I not be, and have a blog, when I could just keep a journal? I like the attention I am getting, or at least the supportive comments and emails and other friendly relationships that have resulted from this blog, and which help me. I’d also like to think that I am an attention-payer. I am paying as close attention as I can to the world around me and inside me, and trying to learn from it. I am paying attention to the “bad” as well as the “good.” If that is self-indulgent, then so be it. I have never seen a blog that was not self-indulgent. Regarding your sarcastic remark about my belief that practicing Ashtanga will help get me sober, the fact is that my practice did exactly that. It got me sober yesterday, and it kept me sober today. You sound like a very strict AA follower, but what ever happened to “One Day at a Time?”
Ashtanga not only kept me sober yesterday and today, but it also makes me happier, or less unhappy. One of my sponsors told me that he would rather be an active alcoholic than a sober AA nazi (or “dry drunk”) who is bitter at the world and at everyone in it, even at people who have stopped drinking. Luckily, I don’t think those are my only two options. Ashtanga and meditation may or may not help me successfully make a different choice. I admit I don’t know. In any case, whether or not I have given recovery a bad name, I thank you, Mr. Anonymous recovery expert, for making me pay attention to the points you raised. I wish you all the best. We live in a beautiful world. I hope you are enjoying it!
Well you are a better person than I am because if such a comment would have been posted on my blog, it would have gotten a very long, and very emotional reply. The fact that the person wasn't even brave enough to post with their name or alias makes this post even more worthless, to me at least.
Life doesn't offer the same degree of "beautifulness" to everyone, and all days are not equal. The fact that you record your ups and downs by writing them down on a public blog has very therapeutic benefits, for you, I'm sure, but for your readers as well.
There's one thing really missing in that comment: compassion.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I really admire you for maintaining this blog, and I learn a lot from it.
Posted by: Julie Desjardins | February 12, 2005 at 07:32 PM
I dont think there is anything wrong with being self indulgent on YOUR blog. in fact considering your condition I think you need a little self indulgent, self empowerment. One of the things Ive noticed about people who have addictions, especially alcohol , is that the one thing they need more than anything is some love and a sense of empowerment. Ashtanga has done that for me, It makes you feel so good about yourself that you wouldnt want to ruin that with anything. I think the deal to never miss a practice is something you should stick to. It will work, it just might take a couple of trys but it will stick eventually. feeling good about yourself is the key.
good luck, we're all here for ya.
Neti
Posted by: neti | February 12, 2005 at 09:01 PM
Russell: your Feb. 11 entry is one of your best ever. It is precisely because you struggle, because your practice is on and off, and because you fall into temptations, that you are inspiring to the rest of us. Me, anyway. Unlike other bloggers, you are not a perfect ashtanga machine and that helps those of us who struggle in the hinterlands.
The fact that you got back on the mat after the week you describe, and felt "baptized" in your sweat, will help me get back on the mat after a difficult week too.
Keep it up.
Another ashtangi lawyer.
Suzie
Posted by: suzie | February 12, 2005 at 11:09 PM
I echo all the comments above, Russell. What you did took real bravery born of self love. That anonymous emailer showed his own ignorance. He is using the 12-Step principles to beat up on a brother--like the tyrants out there using the teachings of Jesus the Christ to instill self-hatred and practice domination. Your last two posts are so beautiful. Your "selfishness" is serving to uplift me and others out there. Thank you.
Posted by: Natasha | February 14, 2005 at 05:26 AM
You go Russell!
Your openess reminds me of what I'm in it for ever day when I walk into the shala, roll out the mat and lift my arms over head to begin my practice w/the first Surya A.
As much as AA can be a beautiful thing and life saver for so many folks, it's that black or white mentality of the AA Nazis that always rubs me wrong. Life is so much more than just either or....
Embrace it all. PS - "Attention suck" - Like that. I'm adding that to my lexicon!
Posted by: J | February 15, 2005 at 09:15 PM
Dear Russell,
What strange, hostile remarks from the anonymous poster. His/Her comments are so very critical. Perhaps for some people, the road to sobriety is a straight line. But for many others, it's a winding path, and it's not necessarily a pretty journey. This is what you've shared with us. I am grateful for your honesty. You write about failure, as well as success. It makes me feel like less of a loser. My struggle is not with alcohol, but the deviations from my desired path are also painful. Thank you.
Posted by: | February 16, 2005 at 04:37 PM