I'm here. Somehow I got most of what I needed to do done. A flurry of last minute emails and a few final cell phone calls. Lost my passport and found it. Thankfully made it to "La Gare" (train station) on time, and I somehow got on the right train. (Nobody speaks English or otherwise helps in Bourdeaux.)
It took about two hours and four people to put up my little pup tent, but it is up.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing here. Or what I'm expecting to achieve. I overheard some people on the train, and in the van from the train. They were talking about "transformation." That is what I want. As for what I actually expect, I guess a taste of it.
I am in a pup tent. Compared to my house in India, or the hotel room in Bourdeaux, or my house in North Carolina, this is real deprivation. I am seriously afraid of being miserable.
I am also hungry, and it is not time to eat. In India or America, I would simply get something to eat. Wow, a big ham and cheese sandwich, with lettuce and tomato and mayo, sure would be nice right now. I am so spoiled, to the point where this writing is utter self-indulgent drivel.
So why am a writing this crap? To take a mental crap onto the page. To evacuate my constipated brain. Also to make a record of what an asshole I am, so that I can look back and say, "what an asshole I was."
I sat next to a super-cute international bright young thing in the van. I tried to chat him up, or at least exchange a greeting. Not a chance. Like I said, I need a transformation.
I also need to move this tent to shadier, cooler ground. Maybe tomorrow. Too lazy now.
I'm wondering if this retreat will be like the AYRI shala all over again. I make fun of people like the guy on the train, who told everyone in the First Class section that he was enlightened, but I'm no different. I want everyone to know that I am "spiritual," that I studied yoga in India, and that I am on a retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh. I am out to impress. I am a phony asshole.
Now I'm gong to read Thay's book, "On Anger." Hopefullly to transform myself, at least a little. The driver on the way to Plum Village said something very simple, maybe even stupid. He said that transformation is like boiling a hard potato. It takes time.
Reading Thay's book was helpful. I'm feeling a lot better. More peaceful. More hopeful.
I have many errors in thinking, and I think I can fix them. For a glaring example, I saw an extremely handsome young man here, and I immediately concluded, "Okay, this must be a good retreat. Because he's here. He could be out in the world, having sex, being popular, having a great job, being incredibly happy -- but he is here." Despite a ton of evidence over the course of my life, I still cannot seem to understand, without some transformation, that supposed physical beauty does not equal happiness or superiority, and that the predominance of a lot of superficially less attractive people at a retreat does not signify a gathering of losers. Most importantly, I am not a loser. I have to stop despising myself.
Okay, time for dinner. I will probably eat a lot, because I am so scared of being hungry, and for many other reasons. I have so much to learn. But I am here. Here to learn.
I am waiting for the dinner bell. Why? Another error in thinking. I think that if I go to dinner too early, I will be in the dining hall with nothing to do, and I'll look like a dork. How silly I am
As it turned out, dinner was great. I ate with my assigned "family," called "Snow Cherries," because we meet near a Snow Cherry tree. One of the monks leading our family acknowledged that "we have no snow." The sign at the washing and drying tables said that the white towels are only for "plates, utensils, and cubs." People laughed when the monk said, "but we have no snow." No one laughed when I asked if the reference to "cubs" meant that there were lions, tigers, or bears here.
So I happened across your latest brain dump and can totally relate. It seems you are insecure and neurotic in similar ways as me. I will keep reaing :).
http://bloglines.com/blog/Lorien234
Posted by: | July 26, 2006 at 12:51 PM
Your honesty is very compelling. Thank you.
Posted by: | July 26, 2006 at 03:06 PM
Your honesty is very compelling. Thank you.
Namaste,
Caroline
Posted by: | July 26, 2006 at 03:09 PM
... oops, am I repeating myself, repeating myself ...
Posted by: | July 26, 2006 at 03:10 PM
Er...ham...? Oh you must mean the veggie 'pretend' kind right?
Posted by: Ash | August 06, 2006 at 03:55 AM
I meant the dead, artificially preserved flesh of a fat slaughtered pig.
Posted by: russell | August 06, 2006 at 06:37 AM